July 9, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

You people made me laugh:

Thinking about lubing myself up with Crisco so I can get these "skinny" jeans over my ass. ‪#‎NeedToGoBackOnAdderall‬

Proof that soul mates exist: peanut butter and chocolate.

I don't know if I feel comfortable endorsing you on LinkedIn for the full Microsoft Office Suite. Excel? Maybe we can talk.

So I guess the reason everyone was staring at me on the subway was the giant, black, coal like mark running from my mouth down my face. Cool.

My alarm went off at a HUGE cliffhanger moment in my dream. I tried going back to sleep to get back to my dream but it didn't work. Now I'll never know!!! It's like a show that gets cancelled after the season finale airs.

I just bought a book with the intention of reading it. Just a warning to all of you, the apocalypse may be near.

It's a good thing none of y'all felt the need to run right to your computer to report the score...

Crumbs is gone? The face of uncomfortable business associate birthdays is changed forever

When your hear ‪#‎shuttersounds‬ in the ‪#‎cubicle‬ next to yours.....pop up real quick...you never know what you might see ‪#‎freak‬ taking ‪#‎selfies‬ ‪#‎dead‬‪#‎busted‬

July 7, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

Don't know about you guys but I am *totally* not looking forward to Nathan's July 5 Hot Dog-Shitting Contest.

Shopping with Damian
Damian: "mom can I get this shirt?"
Me: "no, it's a men's shirt you need a kids"
Damian: "but I am a man, I have hair on my big toe"
This kid cracks me up!

Liam: mom can I buy this xbox game?
Me: no! You can't just get whatever you want whenever you want. You have to learn this lesson!
(Mail comes - toys r us gift card made out to him)
Liam: can I get it now?
Me: ugh... Let's go.

Some guy at the gym literally ROARED every time he lifted his weights. Like... RRROOaaarrr!!!! Ugh really dude? LMAO. ‪#‎weirdo‬

Cherie? Sweetie, if you're gonna name your daughter Cherie, you may as well install a stripper pole in her crib.

Didn't even think twice before walking right up to the counter after the barista called out for "Morgan."

OMG, you guys: today is 7 + 7 = 14!

July 3, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

there is no sexy way to eat a peach

Camping = any overnight experience without wifi

Listen carefully how someone speaks to you about other people. This is how they will speak to other people about you.

2 hrs · iOS · 
Ugh! We've all been there! Am I right girls....
For everyone complaining it is too hot outside today: I need you to close your eyes and remember digging your car out of 35 inches of snow for the third time in a week when you swore you would never complain about the summer again.

No thanks, I can tell by the stuffed animals all over your back window, our relationship would end with you stabbing me.

June 27, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

You people make me laugh:

I have so many feelings I want to eat right now.

Adding crossing midtown manhattan on 42nd street on a CitiBike to things that terrify me.

Waitress: "Hi, my nam-" Me: Bloody Mary, no celery. ‪#‎hungover‬

The best part of my trip to Santa Fe today is that my husband thinks I'm taking the kids to St. Tropez. ‪#‎languagebarrier‬

To person staring at me on bus, yes I obviously did mean to commute to work with my fly open.

I arranged my whole day around a yoga class and the teacher never showed, so obviously I'm headed to target and the wine store.

Woke up this morning to find this staring at us from across the street. I feel slightly threatened? John Cheever did not have anything about an oddly-positioned Bart doll in any of his novels set in suburbia.