July 25, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention


I'm so Old Tappan, I didn't know where the nearest bus stop was.

Cooking beets, while wearing a white shirt. ‪#‎livingontheedge‬

Boyfriend: Babe, why is my bottle of Whiskey half empty?
Me: Um... because you're a pessimist?
‪#‎PainInTheGlass‬

There should be a mandatory walking test before you're allowed to buy shoes. If you can't walk in them, DON'T WEAR THEM. ‪#‎endrant‬

It's weird. People in DC don't look down to email/text on their iPhones while walking to work. I feel like such a New Yorker.

I'm about to download this Kim Kardashian game. So there's that...

Laura Swain feeling annoyed
1 hr · 
I'd like to meet the person who thought to use velcro on baby bibs so I can slap them.

Somebody please make a car with built-in massage chair seats.‪#‎milliondollaridea‬

If you have some time to kill here's a really fun suggestion. Get on a train in Penn Station and transfer in Secaucus. But when you transfer, be unsure about where the next train is, rush down to the platform and when the conductor sees you're frantic blurt out your TOWN, not your STATION. Get on wrong train. Have train drop you off over 1mile from your home, just as lightening and thunder and RAIN start to kick in. Walk home in the rain. Make yourself a double vodka soda with lemon when you get home and kiss your dog hello.

Weird dream alert.
Last night I had a dream in which I was crying because people had the wrong impression of me and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were there to comfort me. While I hid my face into a pillow and sobbed, Brad held my hand and stroked it with his thumb as Angelina gingerly smoothed my hair...


July 23, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention


Checked e-mails, replied to any texts, current on FB activity...now I can start my day.

me: yes! my iPod just played Tears for Fears followed by Huey Lewis & the News
intern: who?! and WHO?

That moment when you drop your only set of car keys down the elevator shaft...

If anyone needs me, I'm on my way to JFK, as I just received an email with the following message: I am Special Agent Erick Bolt from the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) Field Intelligence Groups (FIGs). We intercepted two consignment boxes at JFK Airport, New York. The boxes were scanned but found out that it contained large sum of money ($4.1 million) and also some backup documents which bears your name as the Beneficiary/Receiver of the money.

Just received 3 friend requests with people sporting a uni-brow. Is this a new trend?

I would love it if everyone on Facebook (myself included) could just acquiesce on three points - none of us knows it all; our opinions are only opinions, not Bible truths; and agreeing to disagree can and should be possible.




July 9, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention


You people made me laugh:


Thinking about lubing myself up with Crisco so I can get these "skinny" jeans over my ass. ‪#‎NeedToGoBackOnAdderall‬

Proof that soul mates exist: peanut butter and chocolate.

I don't know if I feel comfortable endorsing you on LinkedIn for the full Microsoft Office Suite. Excel? Maybe we can talk.

So I guess the reason everyone was staring at me on the subway was the giant, black, coal like mark running from my mouth down my face. Cool.

My alarm went off at a HUGE cliffhanger moment in my dream. I tried going back to sleep to get back to my dream but it didn't work. Now I'll never know!!! It's like a show that gets cancelled after the season finale airs.

I just bought a book with the intention of reading it. Just a warning to all of you, the apocalypse may be near.

It's a good thing none of y'all felt the need to run right to your computer to report the score...

Crumbs is gone? The face of uncomfortable business associate birthdays is changed forever

When your hear ‪#‎shuttersounds‬ in the ‪#‎cubicle‬ next to yours.....pop up real quick...you never know what you might see ‪#‎freak‬ taking ‪#‎selfies‬ ‪#‎dead‬‪#‎busted‬