August 18, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

Your Facebook Status Updates made me laugh:

Currently one of those people working on their laptop at Starbucks because the cleaning people are at our apartment and I have social anxiety with people who have heavy accents. Also, the girl next to me is so loud I can hear her through my headphones. K? ‪#‎alarmageddon‬

was about to post a status about eating Vietnamese for lunch and not spilling sriracha on his shirt. Now it's just a status about eating Vietnamese for lunch.

I will give any amount of $ to ALS to see no more videos of people hopping in buckets of ice on Facebook.

The people behind the Activia Challenge must be really jealous of the ALS campaign.

Fact: It's not 'a walk of shame' if you leave on roller skates.

You know you've hit rock bottom when you eat a brownie for breakfast.‪#‎DietStartsTomorrow‬

Million dollar idea: a vegan protein powder called, 'No Whey, Bro!'

Monday and i'm out here like

August 6, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

You people made me laugh!

welp just found out my work buddy is an Eagles fan so there goes that friendship

UPDATE: It's still not Friday.
We'll continue to track this story as it develops.

You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of google.

Arguing with a fool only proves that there are two

Conversations at the gym:
"Have you squatted before?"
"Where did you learn?"
"I tried that 30-day booty challenge, which ended up being a three-day booty challenge."

I don't know how to compose an angry status update without sounding like a spoiled child, white trash or Kanye West.

9 mins · Edited · 
Saying sorry doesn't make you right or wrong, it means you value your relationship more than your ego. Besides, apologies are like handjobs, it's the least you can do. ‪#‎truth‬

I'm constantly accepting friends on here, then checking out their timelines, and then defriending them.

You've got bunions ... and you're having a baby! ‪#‎babysteps‬

July 31, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

You people made me laugh:

Candy Crush invitations are like the Jehovah's Witnesses of Facebook.

Lately I'm the bug. Would like to be the windshield every now and again.

It's so bittersweeet to be leaving for Nashville, and have it not be sequined pink boot season.

TimeHop is really great if you need to be reminded of what an idiot you were five years ago.

If the Birkenstock can be back in style, the waterbed can't be far behind.

10 hrs ·   · 
Israel and Hamas will get along if they find a common enemy and rise up against it. That's right, it's time to take on gluten.

NOTE TO SELF: when testing food to see if it's still good, no need to take a huge bite.

So, I was tricked by Blue Apron. I thought that when you got the food, you also got someone to cook it. ‪#‎Scammed‬

Pro Tip: When a girl eats the sidewalk in high heels, don't, while helping her up, ask (in a baby talk voice) "Who's a big girl in her mama's shoes"?

you know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera

11 hrs ·   · 
You're not a real bar until you get the, "If Yelp allowed negative stars, I would use those" review.

Today I'm Javier. That's because I said my name was Javier. ‪#‎happytuesday‬

Nice way to hide your C grade.