September 2, 2014

Some Facebook Status Update Are Worth a Mention

These Facebook status updates made me laugh:

Excited to announced that I'll be becoming a world-renowned musician and overdosing on drugs this year!!! ‪#‎twentyseven‬ ‪#‎blessed‬

Homonyms are the bain of my existence

Only two days until being able to hail a cab in NYC will be but a fond memory of summertime. In other words, Happy ‪#‎NYFW‬ everyone.

1 hr · 
Accidentally sent my stepfather a text saying "I love our morning sex." Why? WHHHHHHHHHHHHY???? ‪#‎FML‬

Call me psychic, but I'm getting the feeling that today is the first day of the school year for some of your kids... just a hunch

Nothing says "I had a great holiday weekend!" quite like getting all the way to work and realizing you left your computer at home. Doh!

You know how cartoon characters are greeted by bluebirds and butterflies in the morning? I woke up to a flying roach.

Ever notice that your friends who DON'T have their shit together are the ones who post a fuck-ton of inspirational quotes? ‪#‎irony‬

Hypothetically speaking. If you got "randomly" selected by the TSA every. single. time. you flew, would it still be considered random?

Post Labor Day weekend struggle

August 29, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

Your Facebook Status Updates Made Me Laugh:

At last! All the tabloids that have spent years speculating about Brangelina's wedding can finally start focusing on their divorce. Phew!

Anyone listening to KNX1070 traffic reports and heard from tipster Jason this morning? Yeah, that was me. N.B.D.

I got a same day appt, had no wait, saw the dr, got 5 prescriptions and paid out of pocket until I can bill insurance. 200 bucks in china. America, fix your goddamn health care system.

Cognitive psychology theory of forward telescoping in full effect... it's been a whole ten years since we all cared about:
Editing AIM profiles. Putting lyrics in your AIM profile. CONSTANTLY changing your AIM profile. Away messages. Constantly changing your away message. AIM subprofiles. Spending entirely too much time on your AIM profile. Getting the right font for AIM.

how about this trending headline: "Joan Rivers rushed to hospital after she stops breathing during surgery." Must be nice having enough money to get your surgeries in the comfort of not a hospital?!

Cue the onslaught of Jennifer Aniston stories: "How Jen Found Out!" "Jen Plans Revenge Wedding To Justin!" "Jen Flaunts Sexy Body On Red Carpet To Undermine Angelina Jolie In Wake Of Marriage To Brad Pitt!" "Jennifer Aniston Blindsided by Brangelina Marriage, After Couple Have Been Dating for Nine Years, Engaged For 2 & Welcomed 6 Children" "Friends: Jen 'Didn't See This Coming' And Is 'Beyond Broken' That Brad Did This To Her...'"

Pet peeve: when people use ... after every sentence in a professional email. Like, this isn't instant messenger. I'm not your bro. Maybe TRY to write like a professional? That's all I'm saying.

August 18, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

Your Facebook Status Updates made me laugh:

Currently one of those people working on their laptop at Starbucks because the cleaning people are at our apartment and I have social anxiety with people who have heavy accents. Also, the girl next to me is so loud I can hear her through my headphones. K? ‪#‎alarmageddon‬

was about to post a status about eating Vietnamese for lunch and not spilling sriracha on his shirt. Now it's just a status about eating Vietnamese for lunch.

I will give any amount of $ to ALS to see no more videos of people hopping in buckets of ice on Facebook.

The people behind the Activia Challenge must be really jealous of the ALS campaign.

Fact: It's not 'a walk of shame' if you leave on roller skates.

You know you've hit rock bottom when you eat a brownie for breakfast.‪#‎DietStartsTomorrow‬

Million dollar idea: a vegan protein powder called, 'No Whey, Bro!'

Monday and i'm out here like

August 6, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

You people made me laugh!

welp just found out my work buddy is an Eagles fan so there goes that friendship

UPDATE: It's still not Friday.
We'll continue to track this story as it develops.

You know you're desperate for an answer when you look on the second page of google.

Arguing with a fool only proves that there are two

Conversations at the gym:
"Have you squatted before?"
"Where did you learn?"
"I tried that 30-day booty challenge, which ended up being a three-day booty challenge."

I don't know how to compose an angry status update without sounding like a spoiled child, white trash or Kanye West.

9 mins · Edited · 
Saying sorry doesn't make you right or wrong, it means you value your relationship more than your ego. Besides, apologies are like handjobs, it's the least you can do. ‪#‎truth‬

I'm constantly accepting friends on here, then checking out their timelines, and then defriending them.

You've got bunions ... and you're having a baby! ‪#‎babysteps‬