September 23, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

Your Facebook Status Updates Made Me Laugh:

It really gets my goat when a cab takes you on a tour of NYC instead of the fastest route because they assume you don't know better & you are immersed in your emails & don't notice. In other words, I'm gonna be late for everything today ‪#‎DominoEffect‬

If you ever feel like you're having a bad day, just remember some adults have braces

The truth is that if you have a job that requires you to wear a name tag, NO ONE gives a fuck what your name is. ‪#‎BeenThereDoneThat‬

On another note, if you were my earrings I wore yesterday, where would you be?

A guy at my deli this morning told me he keeps a 6 foot snake in his apartment and showed me pictures. Pretty sure that's not legal. And more importantly, what told him I would be impressed by this information?

People are saying the iPhone 6 is just TOO big. Means I will LOVE it.

You know the saying; Some things are better left unsaid? Exactly how does that work? ‪#‎nofilter‬

When I go out, I'm gonna start asking people if they mind taking a picture of me and then just awkwardly wait for them to use their own cameras.

5. Light jacket over above combo
6. Fuck this shit I'm going to Florida

September 2, 2014

Some Facebook Status Update Are Worth a Mention

These Facebook status updates made me laugh:

Excited to announced that I'll be becoming a world-renowned musician and overdosing on drugs this year!!! ‪#‎twentyseven‬ ‪#‎blessed‬

Homonyms are the bain of my existence

Only two days until being able to hail a cab in NYC will be but a fond memory of summertime. In other words, Happy ‪#‎NYFW‬ everyone.

1 hr · 
Accidentally sent my stepfather a text saying "I love our morning sex." Why? WHHHHHHHHHHHHY???? ‪#‎FML‬

Call me psychic, but I'm getting the feeling that today is the first day of the school year for some of your kids... just a hunch

Nothing says "I had a great holiday weekend!" quite like getting all the way to work and realizing you left your computer at home. Doh!

You know how cartoon characters are greeted by bluebirds and butterflies in the morning? I woke up to a flying roach.

Ever notice that your friends who DON'T have their shit together are the ones who post a fuck-ton of inspirational quotes? ‪#‎irony‬

Hypothetically speaking. If you got "randomly" selected by the TSA every. single. time. you flew, would it still be considered random?

Post Labor Day weekend struggle

August 29, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

Your Facebook Status Updates Made Me Laugh:

At last! All the tabloids that have spent years speculating about Brangelina's wedding can finally start focusing on their divorce. Phew!

Anyone listening to KNX1070 traffic reports and heard from tipster Jason this morning? Yeah, that was me. N.B.D.

I got a same day appt, had no wait, saw the dr, got 5 prescriptions and paid out of pocket until I can bill insurance. 200 bucks in china. America, fix your goddamn health care system.

Cognitive psychology theory of forward telescoping in full effect... it's been a whole ten years since we all cared about:
Editing AIM profiles. Putting lyrics in your AIM profile. CONSTANTLY changing your AIM profile. Away messages. Constantly changing your away message. AIM subprofiles. Spending entirely too much time on your AIM profile. Getting the right font for AIM.

how about this trending headline: "Joan Rivers rushed to hospital after she stops breathing during surgery." Must be nice having enough money to get your surgeries in the comfort of not a hospital?!

Cue the onslaught of Jennifer Aniston stories: "How Jen Found Out!" "Jen Plans Revenge Wedding To Justin!" "Jen Flaunts Sexy Body On Red Carpet To Undermine Angelina Jolie In Wake Of Marriage To Brad Pitt!" "Jennifer Aniston Blindsided by Brangelina Marriage, After Couple Have Been Dating for Nine Years, Engaged For 2 & Welcomed 6 Children" "Friends: Jen 'Didn't See This Coming' And Is 'Beyond Broken' That Brad Did This To Her...'"

Pet peeve: when people use ... after every sentence in a professional email. Like, this isn't instant messenger. I'm not your bro. Maybe TRY to write like a professional? That's all I'm saying.