April 11, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

You people made me laugh today:

WARNING: This film MAY contain foul language and sexually explicit content. Um... it either does or it doesn’t, don’t waste my fucking time.

I am having trouble reconciling how I feel about people who do not believe in evolution and that the Earth orbits the sun.

"Yeah, you don't know because you don't have kids." There's LOTS of things you don't know because you're not me and you haven't had my specific life expericnes but I don't walk around with a pompous attitude about it.

I watch Maury to feel good about my marriage. I watch Hoarders to feel good about my cleaning habits. I watch Doomsday Preppers to feel good about my sanity. Something is wrong with me....

Who raised these people who offer to take me "out" for drinks or dinner and then suggest we do it at the hotel I work at? That's not taking me out - that's meeting me at work. Besides the fact that I can tell they're doing it because they think if I drink and eat at my hotel it's free. It's not.

People who run in place at intersections: We Get It.

When the hell did Cedric the Entertainer become the host of Who wants to be a Millionaire?

I'm not invited to my Aunt's for Passover this year. Assuming it's because last year I was about halfway through my second gefilte fish before I realized everyone at the table had been praying for like ten minutes.‪#‎FuckYOUauntYETTAyourNEWhusbandLIKEScock‬

i don't understand how women can still pee all over the toilet. I mean there are covers ladies. Do you not see them? Have you ever looked at a toilet? its ginormous and there is a lot of room to hit your mark I promise. I find it utterly repugnant. I am just going to keep blaming Dinah Shore weekend

April 2, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

You people made me laugh today:

nice thing about working from home: catching up on a laundry. crappy thing about working from home: catching up on laundry.

It's incredibly embarrassing when your friend finds out you're in town through Tinder. ‪#‎oops‬ 

People aren't against you; they are for themselves.

Packing drunk. This will totally end well.

OK, Dos Equis, The most interesting man in the world is no longer an interesting ad campaign. Please. Make it stop.

Dear Barbra Walters,...
That's all.

YouTube Comedian is like Hitler impersonator. How good do you really want to be?

I developed a new type of martial arts just for klutzes. I call it sna fu

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

Dan Dunn Do you know what's funny about most April Fools jokes? Yea, me neither.

Hollie McKay Attacked by poison oak. What a lazy excuse for a plant. In the meantime, someone, anyone put me in on a 5150.

Judah Friedlander "Dyslexic" should be easier to spell.

Laura Leu Worst fear: my water breaking at work today and nobody believing me.‪#‎AprilFoolsDay‬

Jesse Brukman Everyone have a happy and safe I Sincerely Regret Ever Trusting You Day

Aly Walansky My version of packing: Unpack from LA into washing machine. Dry. Remove. Throw in suitcase. Add a sweater. Packed for Memphis

Meagan Murphy I'm so glad none of y'all air your dirty laundry on the Internet. Oh, wait...

Louise O'Brien While I was in London someone installed a cupcake ATM in New York City. It's like the city was calling me back home.

Sam Jones Sometimes at meetings I like to play a game with myself called 'Guess which meds they're on.'

Jesse Brukman Let's name our sandwich chain after the dirtiest thing in new york city. Eat Fresh®

Rick Dobbs "And, lo, the sickness descended upon him like a thief in the night forcing him to remain in bed and demand only sizzling rice soup and In-N-Out burger." - 1 Hesitations 4:20

March 31, 2014

Some Facebook Status Updates Are Worth a Mention

Just got an email asking to pick my brain and offering coffee--while I appreciate the gesture, right now I would much prefer the potential brain picker give me $10 to pay for the replacement storage unit card I just had to buy.

Good news! I can still gain weight while having a stomach bug.‪#‎IknowIknow‬ ‪#‎YoureAllJealous‬ 

GTL today. Gym. Target. Laundry. 40 year old mommy style.

With Coachella approaching, scientists fear there will be a shortage of crop tops and Plan B.

Trying to get a 4 year-old ready for picture day is like trying to put a wetsuit on a cat.

Never forget.
Imgur is home to the web's most popular image content, curated in real time by a dedicated community through commenting, voting and sharing.

I will never be the kind of person who travels without forgetting to pack something crucial.

Fact: Having girls means that there is always some sort of glitter on every surface in your home.